Dating is hard enough...

I consider dating fairly hard. Not the “where are my equal rights” kind of hard, but difficult. For men, women, doesn’t really matter, I think the whole thing is just ludicrous. First you see him, then you want him, and then the question of whether he’s gay or not. And when you finally decide he is, well, that’s when his perfect little other trots up and you’re left looking like a drunk double fisting a pair of Thom Collins’, because you saw him drinking one. And you don’t even like Thom Collins.

Of course there are those times where you were terribly wrong and Mr. Good-looking is straight with kids. There’s a level or awkward there that you only find in that dream where you’re standing in front of your math class naked. Either way all I’m saying is that dating has hardships that in a great and idealistic world would cause some problems. Is it even worth it?

So throw being HIV + into the mix. What a cluster F@#% that turns out to be.

Instead of wondering if the guy is gay or not. Into brunettes or not. Likes short guys or tall. My first thought is “Should I tell him now or later that I have HIV?”

“Will he still want to be near me?”

And you know what. That’s crap. Pure, undiluted, crap.

I feel like this goes back to me being 16 and wondering if I should tell everyone I’m gay before or after the hello. I mean what the hell do you say, “Hi, you have nice eyes, I have HIV, want to date?”

It’s not that I’m trying to find an answer to this or a date. I actual don’t find the whole dating issues one I feel like following right now. But I just want to vent about how unreasonable it all is. So life’s not fair. I got that when the test guy said I was positive. But does that mean it has to be an a-hole about it.

When do you hit that point in your life post infection when you can look at that guy walking down the street and think “I bet he and I would hit it off”, instead of “I wonder if he would talk to me if he knew?”

And just maybe that means I have to be brave about all of it. That I have to throw myself into a relationship, when I’m ready to start one, blindly and whole-heartedly, let them know ME as quickly as they can, and then drop the word. Positive. Maybe that means that they’ll stay because, hey I’m pretty freaking adorable. Or that I will get really good at puzzles from having to put the pieces of my heart back together again so much.

And I find that a hard life to have to decide to live. And you know…kind of crappy. But I suppose the Brave Little Toaster thing to do would be to say, “Okay, I’m going to do that.” So, yeah, I’m going to do that. But for the record…dating, it’s never worth it.

Except for the time you’re not drinking that Thom Collins alone. Then I suppose it might be. Maybe.

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